Sex After Birth
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room…
Sex after baby is an awkward topic that is largely avoided, yet when a brave new mama does venture to bring up the subject, almost every other mama has something to say! And it goes something like this:
My birth was really hard, I had lots of stitches and I’m afraid it will hurt.
I’m too exhausted to have any energy for sex!
There’s no time, I always have a baby on me.
I’m afraid my boobs will leak.
I feel a bit touched out.
The first time we tried, it was really uncomfortable.
My vagina was really dry.
My libido isn’t the same as it was before.
I’m feeling kind of pressured by my partner but I don’t feel ready.
I have a prolapse and a heaviness in my vagina and I’m scared it will hurt or make it worse.
My birth was really traumatic. I’m not ready.
I’m worried it will be different than before we had our baby.
Sound familiar?
You’ve had your six-week check-up, but you find yourself feeling apprehensive about reactivating your sex life. Guess what? That’s so normal! You are definitely not alone.
Often you and your partner are tired, and as mum you may be feeling the exhaustion at a deeper (like in your bones) level. There’s never enough time to get everything done. There certainly isn’t enough sleep going around. And you might feel that sex just isn’t very high up on the priority list.
Plus your body has changed so much over the course of your pregnancy and then postpartum, that you may feel insecure. Your body may feel softer, weaker and your belly may feel floppy.
If you are breastfeeding then your relationship with your boobs may have changed, and they may no longer feel like a sexual part of your body. And sometimes the last thing you want is another human touching your breasts. And they leak.
There are also hormonal changes to take into consideration. Reduced oestrogen associated with postpartum (after birth) and breastfeeding causes less lubrication, arousal and desire.
It’s also normal to have a raring libido, although this is definitely less common. Or maybe you are somewhere in between. As with our babies, we are all different. And you’re right, some things may have changed. You may not feel as sexual as before because you’re now a mother (or your partner may feel this way about you) and your connection may have shifted now that you are parents and not just a couple. Some of these changes might be temporary, some might be permanent. If you and your partner have both gone a bit cool on sex, it’s no problem. But if you and your partner have different levels of sexual desire, this can add some stress to your relationship. What’s most important is to work with what’s going on now.
Just as you might have concerns about being ready or about physical discomfort, your partner might also worry about doing something that might hurt you. Talk about it, if you can. What hopes and worries are you each holding? You might talk about what new connections you have found since your baby was born, about what has been comforting or inspiring, about what you find sexy about one another.
Some suggestions for returning to intimacy and sex:
We recommend waiting until you have your 6 week check up with your GP. We also recommend having a 6-week postnatal consultation with your women’s health physio to assess for pain, scar tissue or muscle tension. This way if you do have scar tissue you will be taught how to massage it and desensitise the area.
Openly communicate to your partner about how you are feeling, what you are hoping for and what you are afraid of.
There are many ways of giving and receiving sexual pleasure. Think about sex as the end point, rather than the beginning.
Find a way to connect emotionally with your partner before trying to get intimate. This could be going on a date, or sharing quality time doing something you both enjoy, which may be as simple as going for a walk together with bub sleeps and having a conversation.
Start with simple things like holding hands, cuddling, massage and even going for a walk together. See how you feel after some good old-fashioned kissing! It’s okay to ease back into your sexual groove. Starting with touch and foreplay will help you to get used to being touched intimately by your partner again.
Consider having sex in the afternoon or during your baby’s nap time, rather than in the evening when you’re exhausted.
Try feeding your baby, or expressing, before having sex to reduce the likelihood of your breasts leaking.
Use lubricant as hormone changes (reduced estrogen) can create vaginal dryness.
Go slow. Many partners will do this anyway as they will be afraid to hurt you, but talk through how it is feeling and remind them to slow down if you need to.
Some positions will feel better than others - stick to these.
If you’re not feeling desirable, and feeling unhappy with your body, let your partner know so they can reassure you.
If you had a traumatic birth then it’s important to get professional help debriefing and processing what happened. There is likely to be a lot of emotion surrounding this area of your body and it may take a little longer before you are ready to explore having sex.
Do a course to guide you through this time with Transform Parenting or Anna Siebert or someone similar.
If you are feeling worried about sex, you can try using relaxation techniques such as belly breathing, a warm bath or some gentle massage.
When should you see a Women’s Health Physio?
Sex should be pleasurable and enjoyable after giving birth, and not painful or tolerable. This may take time. It is normal to experience some discomfort the first couple of times you have sex, but it shouldn’t be painful. The trouble is that we often think this is normal and hope that it will resolve on its own. But often it doesn’t. If sex is painful then see your Women’s Health physio so they can help you to improve it through strategies such as:
Releasing scar restriction.
Helping you learn to relax your tense pelvic floor muscles, including appropriate stretches.
Teaching you relaxation breathing techniques.
If you are in Canberra you can arrange a Women’s Health Consultation at Origin Physio in Deakin.
Why make time to exercise?
Regular exercise can improve your mood, boost your energy, promote better sleep and increase your confidence about your physical appearance, which in turn may improve your sex life. But there's even more to it than that. Having a strong and healthy pelvic floor can improve your pleasure during sex and heighten your orgasm!
If you aren’t sure where to start, read our blog on The steps to returning to exercise postnatally, and join our Strong Mama Postnatal Program.
Our Postnatal Strong Mama Program is loaded with educational videos and offers tailored, weekly exercise classes to help you regain strength after pregnancy and birth.
You are likely to have less time and energy for sex than you did pre-baby. Yet it’s still possible to have a meaningful, fun sex life with your partner. So, we invite you to proceed with curiosity, love, lust and a sense of humour.
